Diary of a Lunatic
by ringaroundtherollins
Summary: Pages from Dean Ambrose's diary have been discovered, depicting the final days of the Shield's existence, to Seth's shocking betrayal of the faction...and everything in-between and the aftermath. As canon as I could make it, with my own additions, of course. No slash but strong family/friendship vibes. Angst, of course.
1. Chapter 1

May 4, 2014

Extreme Rules tonight. Nice.

I'd call it hardcore, but that word seems to only be used by teenagers who skateboard without helmets and call themselves hardcore for it.

Everything's set. Cena and Bray Wyatt get a steel cage match (why do they call it a steel cage match? Are there other types of cages? Do the men have the opportunity to fight in a cage made of rubber or bubble wrap? Sign me up.) Tamina and Paige. Cesaro, Jack Swagger and Rob Van Dam.

Oh, and guess what's a thing again?

Evolution.

A-yup. Trips is still pretty pissed off the Shield turned on him. Hard feelings were to be had. He reformed the group with Batista and Orton. Then he's like, "Six-man tag match at Extreme Rules." Ric Flair came out and was all, "The Shield exemplifies power", something something something. I think the guy was drunk. He was pretty wobbly. But he endorsed us and shook our hands and pretty much told his old team we were better. Heh.

Can't wait for the match. Just remember, Hunter: you asked for this.

* * *

May 4, 2014 (still)

Of course we won! We're the Shield! You didn't stress too much over it, did you?

We sent every member of Evolution out of the ring even before the bell rang. That's how you know it's gonna be a hell of a time.

Seth was targeted almost immediately, of course. Rollins is our guy. High-flying, swift-motioned brainiac. I helped him out of the jam. My fists were flying. I clocked everyone. My ass was handed to me for a while on, but I finally got Roman into the ring. We triple powerbombed Batista. I got thrown down a flight of stairs. And not even two finishers could keep the Samoan warrior down. A Superman punch and a Spear finished off Batista. Goodnight.

Anyway, we're back at the hotel. Seth had one too many from the minibar. Celebrate good times. He's trying to get Roman and me downstairs to karaoke night.

Maybe we'll go. If he doesn't pass out before we make the decision.

* * *

May 5, 2014

Okay, Evolution? You're kinda starting to piss me off a little bit.

We won last night but what does that matter? Trips is the man in charge. He told me tonight I had to defend my United States championship in a 20-man Battle Royal. As a bonus? Roman and Seth were out. Come the hell on, old man! Green isn't a nice color on you.

But I dominated the entire time. It was down to me, RybAxel, Swagger, and Sheamus. I got the others out of that ring by myself, then Sheamus Brogue kicked me and scooped up my title.

Yeah. Kinda hate Hunter even more now.

Because then he comes out like, "Ha ha, screw you guys, you have a match tonight against the Wyatts?"

Bitter old man. Not my fault your wife looks at me the way she hasn't looked at you in over ten years.

Swamp monkeys thought it best to isolate Seth in the ring and keep me and Roman on the side. Of course. Good strategy, clever bastards. I tried to protect him. I couldn't. I really let him down tonight.

Roman stepped in and tried to raise a little hell but a little while later we learned it was way too late for us. Guess who showed up? Uh-huh, Evolution. Six-on-three. Crap, crap, total crap. We did our best. But Wyatt caught Roman distracted and Sister Abigail'd his ass.

Trips was elated.

My shoulder is killing me.

Seth pointed out I was two weeks shy of holding that title belt for a year. Thanks, Seth. You're a pal.

Maybe I'll join him at the minibar tonight.

* * *

May 6, 2014

Seth, Roman and I got trashed last night. If there was anything we earned, it was surely that.

Roman says kick the dust off our shoes and gear up for Smackdown. Not sure what to expect but I am ready to kick some ass.

I almost got into it with him though. He tried telling me I didn't "utilize my potential" last night when defending my title. Okay, what? First of all, it was a freaking bombshell Triple H dropped on me regarding that match. I had 0 prep time. Second of all, I held my own pretty well until literally the last man standing. The hell does he mean, I didn't "utilize my potential"? Of course, we were all sauced so I don't even remember what I said back. Seth had to separate us to cool down. Roman ended up passing out in the bathtub during his "cool-down." Seth and I just kinda giggled at stuff I can't even remember. I think we were looking up stupid videos on Youtube or something. I just remember laughing a lot.

We passed out on the same bed. Roman was giving us shit for it all morning. I just called him a rubber ducky. He didn't get the joke. It wasn't even that funny. I think Seth just laughed at it to make me feel better.

Flight's at 1:19. Why do flights take off at such obscure times?

Hello, Buffalo.

* * *

May 7, 2014

God, Buffalo is boring. There's a ton of art museums to visit and stuff but who's up for that? Roman and Seth are arguing about a misplaced suitcase. Apparently it was neither of their faults. I remember when we used to argue about crap that mattered.

I don't care about misplacing any of my suitcases anymore. Not since I lost my title.

Guess I'm bitter, too. But at least I'm not an old man.

Shoulder still hurts. Hope it's not too screwed up.

* * *

May 8, 2014

Ended up going to the Buffalo Zoo. Seth got lapped by a really aggressive giraffe. Apparently his blonde and brown hair makes him look like a graham cracker or something. That giraffe wanted all of him. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

Things have calmed down. No fights today. Good. We don't need that hostility before tomorrow.

Or maybe we can "use it" to "utilize our potential."

Sorry. I should just forgive him by now. Just. Have a little faith in me, Roman.

* * *

May 9, 2014

Well it's five days after Extreme Rules and Evolution still sucks. We were forced to compete in individual matches to "redeem ourselves" after Monday's freaking onslaught. And guess who my match was against? Aha, yeah, SHEAMUS. I'm sick of this pasty bastard. I got a chance to get my title back, but he favored my injured arm and boy-howdy, did he go to town on it. He Brogue kicked me out of the ring. I made it back in time before the count-out. But he finished me off anyway. ASSHOLE.

But the Shield did get a small taste of victory when Roman Speared Mark Henry for a win of his own. Hooray, we don't totally suck on our own. Not bad, Roman. Way to utilize your potential. No, I mean that. He rocked it tonight.

Alas, Seth did not. He gave it his all, he truly did, but Batista forced him into the announce table and he lost by count-out. Adding insult to injury, the Animal gave him a post-match Batista Bomb to finish.

I should have been there.

I'm sorry, Seth.

Tonight was not the Shield's shiniest moment.

* * *

May 11, 2014

Seth hates airports.

We all do, but he hates airports because fans be trippin' in that place.

It's 11:15 at night and we're just trying to get to South Carolina, man, when these two girls and their boyfriend/brother/whoever start screaming at the top of their lungs. One of the girls tried to tackle Roman. Seth didn't care what age or gender she was—he yelled back. Like, you don't just tackle a superstar. Especially not in an airport where any form of brutality is FROWNED UPON AND ILLEGAL.

Anyway security was on it and they were escorted out. What are kids doing bumming around an airport at 11:15 at night, anyhow? Is that the hip new place to jam?

* * *

May 12, 2014

How does the phrase go…

Oh yeah, payback's a BITCH!

We pounced on those cretins tonight. Their limousine pulled up to the Bon Secours Wellness Arena looking all fly. I looked at Seth in the ring and the guy read my mind. We were out. Roman caught on, and the three of us ambushed the brutal beasts. They were nowhere close to ready for us. Hunters became the hunted.

Of course the officials had to come tear us off our competition, but we were pumped full of testosterone and ready to break some bones. I can still feel the adrenaline in my blood.

Evolution had to come out later on and finally gave us what the team's been itching for: a rematch at Payback. Cha-ching.

You should have seen the look on Seth's face when Hunter called me out. Telling me he's gonna humble me? Seth was fuming. "I'll put you underground," I heard him mumble. Seth's got my back, all the time. I tried to tell him he had nothing to worry about, but then Trips mentioned Seth next. He called Seth a hummingbird whose wings he was gonna pull off one by one. Trips, I'll tear your scalp from your skull if you touch him. Of course Roman was their next mentionable target. Hunter's all, "We're going to take our time on you, make an example out of Roman Reigns"…when he said Roman will be the member of the Shield that doesn't come back from Payback, both Seth and I were like, "Hell no." We'd have enough at that point. We charged the ring, Seth taking the lead. Beat the hell out of them all.

Best part of the night? Well, probably that initial ambush of Evolution at the beginning. It didn't end so hot, yet again, but we killed it.

So Batista challenged Roman one-on-one. Roman was like, "Absolutely." I tried to warn him about protecting himself, but he was livid about everything they'd been saying about us. He wanted this so bad. I never lost confidence in him.

Seth and I were watching from the side. Roman was doing well. Then Seth nudged me and said, "What the hell is that?" I glanced over and saw Trips sneaking up behind Roman. He grabbed Roman and dragged him out of the ring before Ro could do a Superman punch. He wasn't going to get away with it. Seth beat me over there and flew into Trips before he could execute a Pedigree. The bell rang, match was over, but the fight had just begun. Seth launched Hunter into the steel steps, then hauled him into the ring. Evolution and the Shield within the ropes once again. God, I was charged. I was ready for blood.

But I wasn't ready for Hunter's sweet honey to send the freaking calvary after us.

Superstars poured out of the locker room. Swagger, Titus, 3MB, Curtis Axel…basically, everybody. Me and Seth were tossed out of the ring like towels, and everyone just started pummeling poor Roman. I was grounded, head swimming from the hit I took coming down, but my vision was just not blurry enough to see Hunter grab a metal chair and get back in the ring.

I could feel Seth tapping my chest. "Dean…Dean…come on…we gotta move, Dean…"

It hurt, everything hurt, and I just wanted to fall asleep, but Roman was in trouble. He needed his brothers. He needed the Shield.

He was pinned in place and Trips was getting ready to annihilate him. Roman managed to free himself before Seth and I could come to his rescue. He Speared Trips, and Stephanie's band of followers started pummeling him again. Seth and I were in the ring at that point. Seth's voice was clear over the commotion. "DEAN! CHAIRS!"

A good suggestion.

Seth and I cleared that ring ourselves. We beat everyone down who dared to harm our brother. I used Dirty Deeds on Fandango right into the chair. Seth used Peace of Mind on Axel, same consequence. There were bodies everywhere. Audience was going nuts for us. The big bad Evolution guys were watching it all go down from way outside the ring. Cowards.

Ryback was the only one left and we triple powerbombed his hungry ass. We tried baiting Evolution to join the party but they steered clear of the Shield.

Is that all you got, guys?

I swear though, this faction is all I've got going for me in this company. We had most of the main roster on our asses tonight, tearing at us. Granted it was by Stephanie's command, and you have to obey the boss and the boss's lady friend, but in that moment it dawned on me that I have no friends in this business outside Roman and Seth. Everyone was my enemy tonight.

Guess this isn't really the business for friends, anyway.

Still. It's nice to know I have these two.

* * *

May 13, 2014

Seth's getting a cold. Weird time of year for that. We're staying in the hotel for one more night so he can rest up before traveling again. Smackdown's in North Carolina next, just a state away. We've got time. Our team's only as strong as our sickest member. Or something along those lines.

He slept most of the day away. Roman and I relaxed by the pool. We tend to just shoot the shit nowadays. Ease our way into discussions about life and work. Not too often we get to just converse about the little things. Helps if we're not fighting all the time. Way earlier this year, it was a big thing. I was a cocky ass, I'll admit it. I was damn proud of my U.S. Title, the only Shield member sporting gold. Karma's a bitch all around. I still miss carrying that thing around.

It was Seth who brought us back together, though. He walked out of a match on me, when I was ready to tag him in. Said he was tired of being the glue that held us altogether. I was so pissed at him.

But Seth's right. He doesn't need that kinda stress. He can't be the Shield by himself. We reconciled live on Smackdown, but it wasn't enough. We couldn't just apologize to one another. We had to work to make a difference.

So I looked over at Roman and said, "Hey. I'm sorry."

He looked confused. "About what?"

"Not being a good teammate in the times I'm really not."

He tried to play it off all casual. "We all have our bad days."

I'm pouring my heart out over here and he just shrugs. But I can't let myself get upset over something so minor.

I tried a different angle. "Roman, what do you want from me? Is there anything I can do to help this team out?"

"Why don't you think you're doing okay?" he asked me.

I mentioned the comment he made when he was drunk. That was the excuse he used for saying it. "I was drunk. I don't even remember that."

I told him intoxication doesn't make us dumb. It makes us honest.

He said it makes us both. Then fessed up to how frustrated he'd felt that night—this was the night we were stomped and shit upon by Evolution, then had to face the Wyatts. Anyway. He said I didn't have his back that night. Then he corrected himself and said, "I FELT like you didn't have my back that night." He mentioned I seemed to be in Seth's corner more than his. I told him nobody should have been "in the corner." Yeah, it was a tag team match, but give me a break, I'm not Seth's personal cheerleader who's going to oversee him and nobody else (the nobody else being Roman.) If you need me, I'm there. He was kind of passive and said I'd really gotten upset with Luke Harper when he targeted Seth. I wouldn't argue that point. I was pissed. They'd seemed to be singling Seth out knowing how vital he is to our team.

Then I had to add, "We're all vital to the team. But you know Seth. He's the architect. We have to protect him."

"We all have to protect each other. We're a team."

"Of course we're a team. We're the best team in the company right now. Evolution can't keep us down. But we make ourselves way more vulnerable to attack when we've got all these cracks. I don't want civil war to break out because of a communication error or petty arguments. We need to stick together. That's when we're the strongest: together."

He couldn't argue that point. Then he apologized for being arrogant.

We fist-bumped it out by the poolside.

Seth's still coughing pretty badly. Sleeping is gonna be tricky tonight. Might run to the store and get him some liquid NyQuil. And a candy bar. Can't go wrong with chocolate.

Yeah. I'm gonna go do that. 'Night.

* * *

May 15, 2014

Seth's feeling a little better. Not 100%, but I took care of him as best as I could before it was back to work. I hate being on planes with sick people, so I hope he's okay.

* * *

May 16, 2014

Triple H called after we'd landed in Greensboro. Told us to not bother showing up at the Coliseum. Said he had nothing scheduled for us. Thanks for letting us know that AFTER we got on the plane and headed over, Trippy. Could have given Seth a couple more days to rest. Asshole.

We're staying here in North Carolina anyway. Actually, we have Smackdown pulled up on the TV in our hotel room right now. Poor Seth is still coughing. At least his fever has gone down.

Bo Dallas is coming to Smackdown next week. I remember him. Kind of obnoxious, but way too innocent to hate on.

Cena and the Wyatts are still feuding. I hate those guys, all the ones I just mentioned.

Maybe I'm too cynical.

But like I said. Friends aren't a thing to have in this company.

Roman and Seth are just my lucky stars.

Batista has a bone to pick with Dolph Ziggler. Kick his ass, Dolphin. I hate that guy.

Titus O'Neil talked trash to Sheamus and got his ass Brogue kicked. Good effort anyway, Titus. Sorry about, you know, hitting you in the back with a chair the other night.

Smackdown is boring without us.

Seth fell asleep.

I think I'll join him.

Other bed.

* * *

May 17, 2014

Seth's fever's gone. His throat isn't nearly as red anymore and he's coughing a lot less. We're traveling again on the road to victory.

And by the road, I mean the plane, over the ocean. We're heading to London for work this week.

Two weeks until Payback.

I can't wait.


	2. Chapter 2

May 19, 2014

The good news is, Sheamus is no longer the United States champion! Finally. That belt just makes him look awful. Looked better on me. But I guess it looks okay on Cesaro, too.

I really don't mind who the champ is as long as it's not whoever beat me for the title.

The bad news is, Daniel Bryan can't be world heavyweight champion anymore. He had neck surgery and I guess the title can't be held by a guy who can't defend it by the week. Makes sense. Stephanie acted so honorable and offered him the chance to come to Raw next week and surrender the title to her.

Wonder who's next up for that thing?

Oh, who am I kidding? I want it more than anything.

Until then, I really need to focus. I thought Evolution might have backed off after the Shield didn't even get a match on Friday. Nope. They're still up to trickery. Seth got his rematch against Batista, but the Shield was banned from ringside. Trips said only official personnel could be there—and he made himself and Randy Orton the special guest ring announcer and timekeeper for the contest. Seth was like, "Okay, but let me introduce my special guest commentators…" Us! Ha, aren't loopholes great? Roman and I were on the prowl. We weren't going to let Hunter and Orton ruin this for Seth. He said he wasn't going to make any mistakes tonight. We believed it.

Do you know what torture it is, watching your best friend get beaten down right in front of you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it? I don't think there's a worse feeling in the world.

On some level I was begging Trips or the Viper to get involved so it could be a free-for-all and I could tear him a new one.

Careful what you wish for, Ambrose.

Because of course Hunter interfered. He knocked Seth off the turnbuckle as he was gearing up for a dive. That was it for me. The Game was on. I wailed on him. Orton grabbed me and threw me over the German announce table. Roman tried to get him back for me. But Randy grabbed hold of a chair and struck Roman to the ground. What is it with these assholes and chairs?

But I was NOT about to let Orton get away with hitting Roman like that again. I came "flying across the announce table", in the words of Cole, and tackled him to the ground. Trips grabbed me and threw me into the steel post. I hit my head three or four times in that process, and my vision was blurry and blackening. Seth tried aiding me, God bless him, but Hunter slugged him in the face. That's what finally ended the match. Seth "won", but it was a DQ and therefore meant nothing. Batista Speared him to the mat. He still wasn't finished with Seth and I was desperate to get in there. Triple H tried holding me back, constraining me then attempting a Pedigree, but I flipped him onto the table and charged onto the apron to help Seth. Batista knocked me right off the apron and I hit the barricade. Roman was in the ring by that point and Speared Batista. He pulled Seth to his feet. I hurried back into the ring to join my brothers. We were ready to triple powerbomb his ass. Hunter tried entering the ring. I knocked him off, but it was just a distraction—Orton moved in and rescued Batista from our wrath.

Seth was INFURIATED. He hit the mat face-first in his anger. He wanted a fair win against that beast, and it had been stripped of him again. He was hurt. Physically as well. He couldn't even stand up as Evolution retreated. I think Batista's Spear damaged one of his ribs. I was livid on his behalf.

Afterwards, though, was my personal favorite part of the night.

It was the car ride back to the hotel. I sat in the backseat with Seth to make sure he was holding up alright. Roman drove. He always drives. Not sure why. But we were doing what we always do: going over the match step-by-step to find out what we did right, and what we did wrong.

"I can tell you one thing we did perfectly," Roman said. "Work as a team."

"Irony, since the Shield was banned from ringside," Seth said with a wince on his face. His ribs were hurting him.

But Roman was right. I'd protected him and protected Seth at some point during the match. Roman had protected Seth and protected me. Seth had us by his side the entire time, no matter how close or far we were.

And after Roman brought that up, we didn't feel like talking about any mistakes we made. It felt good knowing that, for the first time in a long time, we had a true team match. Again, irony, one-on-one with the Shield initially banned from ringside.

We're on our way.

I see a bright future for the Sierra-Hotel-India-Echo-Lima-Delta.

* * *

May 21, 2014

We're staying in London for a couple of days. Hunter told us we had nothing, again, on Smackdown, but why fly all the way to England for one Raw and then turn around and head home? The boys and I had a day of rest yesterday, and today we played tourists. We visited the Globe Theater, Westminster Abbey, and the Churchill War Rooms. I might not be the biggest history buff, but THAT was really cool.

Tomorrow we're hitting up the London Eye and Buckingham Palace.

Roman insisted we order fish and chips for lunch today. It's a staple of England, I guess.

I asked them if they wanted to go to the London Zoo.

Seth said sure. But he's not feeding any giraffes this time.

* * *

May 22, 2014

He fed the giraffes. They're much nicer here than they are in the States.

Turns out the place has a walk-through spider exhibit. I told Seth and Roman the only way they could get me through that was to literally drag or carry me.

So they did. Through the entire thing. Jerks.

Ten days until Payback. Vengeance is ours, thus sayeth the Hounds of Justice.

* * *

May 23, 2014

We ended up staying for Smackdown anyway.

And regretting it. It was boring.

We had to watch our backs around the arena for Evolution. Seth swore to channel Roman and Spear anyone who tried to make a move on us. He walked with an arm around each of our backs.

I love Seth. He protects us. I'd give anything for the guy.

Roman too, sure. Of course. Love the guy. He's my family and I've got his back.

I don't know what makes Seth so special.

He's my weak spot.

* * *

May 24, 2014 (technically, since it's after midnight)

We're flying home now. We caught the red eye. Seth was grumpy about it. Airports suck, fans at airports suck, and late nights at airports at the risk of running into fans suck.

He's asleep on my shoulder. Roman's asleep on his. Makes it hard to write but I wouldn't trade this for the world.

* * *

May 25, 2014

Sunday should be the day of rest but we used it to transport ourselves immediately to Knoxville for Raw. Just as I suspected, the time difference is messing with our heads. Roman and Seth are bickering a lot. I don't even know what about anymore. I blame the exhaustion.

It's Sunday evening now and I plan to sleep for at least the next twelve hours.

One week till Payback.

* * *

May 26, 2014

DID I MENTION I HATE EVOLUTION?!

It was just supposed to be a contract signing for the no-holds-barred elimination tag team match. That was it. No matches, no tag teams, no title shots for the Shield tonight—or Evolution. A CONTRACT. SIGNING. But I knew, I should have known it wouldn't be that simple. We knew from the start and I should have trusted my gut.

We came out, Seth leading the way, during Michael Cole's introduction to the process. Thanks, Cole, but we got this. They know what it's about. I stole his microphone and told the crowd that tonight IS historic (oh, shit, forgot to mention, Memorial Day and all that. I'm a bad patriot. Happy Memorial Day.) I told them tonight's the last night everyone's gonna see the Shield and Evolution in the same ring on Raw. Roman threw a chair out of the ring. Then another, while I PROMISED the audience Evolution was going to be eliminated.

Roman carried on with eliminating the chairs from the ring while Seth took over. He mentioned this thing with Evolution "has gone way past the six of us sitting across a table from each other signing a silly piece of paper." I got rid of the last chair, and Roman got rid of the table. Not a normal contract signing on our watch, I guess we sort of asked for what happened to happen.

That doesn't change my hatred for them.

Evolution came out looking all smug. Hunter took the reigns. He told the audience if we signed the contract, it would be the last time anyone saw the Shield on Monday Night Raw. He can't come up with his own material, so he stole my trash talk. He tried taking us back to the good old days, praising our team for what we were when we first signed with the company. Thanks, Trips, I'm flattered, but I know we were great and we're still great, and we'll always be great. Then he went on about how it's over for us and he's going to send us into obscurity, blah blah blah. He asked us if we were sure we wanted to sign the contract.

I wanted to look him in the eye and say, "Well, what the hell do you think?"

Seth signed first. I got so pumped about signing it that I dropped the pen. I heard Seth chuckling not at me, but for me. He was absorbing my energy. I scribbled my name and handed it off to Roman. He was a bit calmer than I was. Calmer and more aggressive. He signed the contract and threw the clipboard at Hunter's feet. This didn't please the bossman. Orton signed the contract, Batista signed the contract, Hunter signed the contract. He told us, flinging the clipboard back at us like it was supposed to be the ultimate low-blow, "You're gonna be nothing but a statistic."

Roman told him to shut the fuck up.

And to get in the ring, and fight.

I was stoked. Confused, but stoked. Alright. One more little brawl before Payback couldn't hurt, right? Get a few practice swings in?

Hunter chomped down on the bait.

Evolution stepped onto the apron. Roman was in the middle, and I stood on his right. Seth felt too far away from me. I sensed if they were going to target any of us, it was going to be him. I almost wanted to look to Roman and tell him to watch out for that. But I didn't want to drop any hints Evolution's way.

We stared each other down, down, down.

Then it was on.

The explosion was so sudden and so brutal that I didn't even know who I was fighting. It started with Batista, and seconds later I found myself throwing Triple H over the ropes. I watched in complete awe as Seth took Trips and Orton out with a rolling senton over the top rope. My boy.

But then things went south. Batista hit me with a clothesline. Roman took him out with a Superman punch, but while he waited for Batista to get to his feet so Roman could Spear him, Triple H pulled a sledgehammer from under the ring and rammed it into Roman's gut. Roman hit the mat.

Seth and I were PISSED. OFF. Together we cornered Hunter and drove him to the mat with fists. But Evolution came swarming back. Orton RKO'd Seth. Batista knocked me off my feet. Randy rolled Seth away from me as I reached towards him.

But Seth wasn't the one to be concerned about right then. It was Roman, balled up in the corner, as Triple H stood before him with his famous sledgehammer. I wanted to help him. Protect him. But I was weak. Orton pulled me up and twisted my head in Roman's direction, barking in my ear, "Watch this!"

He forced me to witness Triple H striking Roman with the sledgehammer. Roman rolled out of the ring in agony.

"You son of a bitch!" I told Evolution.

I saw Batista leave the ring and meander towards Roman, joined by Orton. I crawled forward. "Don't you dare," I tried, but Triple H was using his sledgehammer on Seth and me now to ensure neither of us could get to Roman. Then he left us behind. Now the three Evolution members were on the ground, on their feet. Roman was still sprawled in front of them. I looked over to Seth. His face was twisted with pain. His body was jerking. Something was wrong.

"Seth," I gasped. Something felt broken in my chest. It hurt to breathe. Damn that sledgehammer. "Seth, we have to…Roman…we have to…"

I glanced out of the ring and my breath caught in my dried throat.

Evolution was setting Roman up for their very own hideous version of a triple powerbomb.

"NO!" I screamed. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

But it was too late. Evolution raised Roman into the air and smashed his figure through the announce table…

AND THEN THEY PUT THEIR ARMS OUT AND FISTS TOGETHER OVER HIS BODY!

Then left us there to take care of ourselves.

I tugged Seth alongside me until he was able to move for himself. Together we assisted getting Roman to his feet. It took a while. He might have thought he was down for the count. The three of us pathetically made our exit behind a crowd of disappointed onlookers.

Goddammit, I hate Evolution. They are the worst thing to ever happen to this company. They're twisted and brutal and just immature in the way they carry business out. They messed with the wrong faction. The Shield is unyielding. Forged from iron. Unstoppable.

And they'll pay. They will all pay.

I am counting down the days to Payback. If I were any lamer, I'd have it down to the hours…

Alright, I am that lame.

140\. More or less.

* * *

May 27, 2014

The Shield is tired.

The Shield is a little scuffed up after last night.

But we're not out of the game just yet.

So suck it, Evolution. Suck it, Triple H.

I thought for sure I was the last one to wake up today since I slept so late. But it was 11:45 in the morning and Seth and Roman were still passed out. Seth and I somehow ended up in the same bed again, but we didn't strip or even drink, so no worries there. Roman was flat on his belly atop the blankets, arms and legs spread out, taking up all the space on his very own bed. Seth was curled up in a ball under the comforter. Funny how he and Roman are such opposite sleepers. I didn't want to move. My body still ached after last night's face-off. Like a hangover without the hell of a good time the night before.

So I just laid there for a couple of hours, bored, restless, but unwilling to move. Housekeeping knocked on the door and I shooed her away. Guess we'd have to stay another night since we missed checkout.

A break from the airport wouldn't be so bad.

The Shield is down. This is us, down. Sleeping in until way past noon, refusing to move, refusing to acknowledge the misery of last night, a sign we are weak. But Evolution needs to understand something.

We are still a team.

We are family. Brothers.

And that's something they'll never get the meaning of.

We may be down, but we'll get up again.

You can knock us around, but you cannot keep us grounded.

And that is exactly what I want to tell them on Friday at Smackdown.

That is what I want to prove to them on Sunday at Payback.

After all, actions speak louder than words.

* * *

May 28, 2014

We're on the flight to Atlanta. Seth and Roman don't want to talk about Monday.

I'm okay with forgetting about it.

I mean, it's all about the future, right?

Can't afford to live in the past. Too damning.

* * *

May 29, 2014

Seth's been very distant since Monday, very reserved and in obvious pain. But he won't talk to me about it. I think he's getting sick again.

Which really sucks, because Sunday is fast approaching and we still have an episode of Smackdown to push through. Who knows what Evolution has planned for us after that hellish skirmish on Monday?

I wonder if we're even on the show. Or if Hunter chooses to make us suffer more by taking us out of the program completely.

He has too much power.

Just rang up the bossman. Funny how passive aggressive he acts over the phone, like he knows everything he did but, like Roman and Seth, completely refuse to address it.

"Nope. You got nothin'," he told me. "Get some rest. You'll need it for Sunday."

"You can't keep holding us off the program just because you haven't scheduled a way to screw with us, Hunter. We can have our time without your boys getting in my way."

"Has nothing to do with Evolution, Ambrose. The program is booked. I have Cesaro and Kofi Kingston, Big E and Titus O'Neil, Sheamus and King Barrett, Bo Dallas and Xavier Woods…"

"Give us something," I demanded. "We've worked our asses off here. We deserve it."

He let out this long sigh like scheduling matches wasn't part of his freaking job. At last he caved to my insufferable request.

"You can have a dark match. Off-the-air, the Shield versus the Wyatt family. How does that sound?"

Not good enough, Trippers. "The Shield wants airtime."

"I just told you, there's no matches for—"

"It doesn't have to be a match. Just cut us a few minutes to talk about Sunday. That's it."

Another irritating, prolonged sigh. He really hates me. That's okay, because I really hate him.

"Fine."

"Thanks so much. See you Friday."

The call ended.

I don't know what this will do for my team. But I have to do something.

* * *

May 30, 2014

Two days. Two days.

Smackdown went well, I guess. The Shield kicked the crap out of an ill-prepared Bray Wyatt and Co. Obviously they weren't ready for a match against us after focusing so heavily on their own rivals. I'm not even sure who they're facing at Payback. Cena? No clue. I've been way too busy focusing on more important matters, like the Shield's match.

We didn't get long to talk on Smackdown, so we used every minute efficiently.

Seth started us off with a classic saying: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And we're stronger and hungrier than ever before, after what happened Monday. Triple H set up a video recap on the TitanTron to get us emotional. I broke into anger and told Evolution they have no idea who they're dealing with. These bastards can hit us with sledgehammers, and we don't care. I asked how crazy Evolution is willing to get on Sunday, because the Hounds are going to make it ugly.

Seth declared to the Universe that the end of Evolution would be extinction. Roman came in to wrap up, saying Evolution put him through an announce table on Monday but the Shield is going to put Evolution through every table they can find on Sunday. Believe that.

And believe in the Shield.

This world better.

Evolution better.

Because we're not going anywhere.

BELIEVE THAT!

* * *

May 31, 2014

Seth admitted he's scared.

I was shocked to hear him say it. It wasn't even a team meeting or an assembly of the Hounds to finalize our strategies for tomorrow. He pulled me aside at the airport while Roman was buying our tickets and said, "I'm scared of what's gonna happen."

I told him who was he and what had he done with Seth Rollins? It wasn't like him to stress out over a potential loss. He's the positive one.

"They're brutes," he said. "They just keep coming."

"And we'll keep defending. That's the way it works."

"I'm just tired of working so hard, to have it mean absolutely nothing. You know?"

I did know.

I knew something had been bothering him. It was really getting to him and I hadn't realized just how much.

I can't wait for tomorrow just so it can be over. We're going to destroy Evolution.

Watch out, Rosemont. The Shield's in town.

* * *

June 1, 2014

I can describe this night in one word. Ouch.

But my God, what a freaking victory it was for the Shield.

We made our entrance after Evolution. The crowd highly favored us. Seth did a front flip over the barricade. I guess he was feeling a little more confident by that point. Which was awesome. I told him he had nothing to worry about. I had his back.

The bell rang and all hell broke loose.

Roman got out of the ring immediately with Batista. I had Orton in the corner. Seth was in Hunter's face. Eventually it morphed into the match it was supposed to be: two members on the apron, one in the ring with an opponent.

It didn't last long.

Seth had it out with Batista, and I mean HAD IT OUT. Those two have been teeth-at-the-jugular with one another for weeks. But Rollins fought at the absolute top of his game and I was so proud of him. I still am. He's an acrobat out there, a ballerina. He knows what he's doing and he's fantastic at it.

Then I started getting my ass handed to me. First Batista, then he handed me off to Orton, then of course the Game wanted to play. I managed. I dealt. Hunter especially got to taste my wrath, grumpy old fart. Roman got back in and hit everyone. Seth jumped in and helped him out. It was chaos. Sides kept shifting to who had the advantage.

Roman was thrown through the table, and Evolution attempted a mockery of our symbol again. I thought, "HELL NO, hell no." And jumped them from the table, bowling them all down.

Seth was into jumping them from up high as well. It's how he operates. It's hard to remember who learned it from who, because we both do it and we both do it well.

When the chairs came out, the Shield was struggling again. We were beaten, thrashed, and forced against the metal surfaces via Pedigrees. I was out for a little while. When I came to, I realized Roman was in the ring ALONE with all three members of Evolution. They were pinning him to the steel steps and slugging him with a chair over and over and over. He was fighting back, but not well. He did his best.

They left Roman to suffer and turned their attention onto me. Take us out one by one. A decent strategy, albeit infuriating considering they know we're strongest when we're together.

But then Seth…of course it was Seth.

Seth saved me in the most badass way I'd ever seen him move.

He came flying OFF THE TITANTRON into Evolution and myself. Tackling them, saving my ass. It was amazing. I was shocked he didn't break his neck with that kind of stunt. I've said it dozens of times tonight and I'll say it again: thank God for Seth Rollins.

Seth and Batista were in the ring alone, both men exhausted, both men tortured with great pain, but neither one willing to stop fighting. Roman jumped in the ring and Speared Batista, then let Seth have the pin.

Batista was eliminated.

Randy RKO'd Seth but Roman and I got revenge on his behalf—and with chairs. I Dirty Deeds'd his giant voices-filled head right onto that chair and pinned him. Randy Orton was eliminated.

Hunter was pissed.

He tried executing a Pedigree on me and Roman came out of nowhere with a Superman punch. The sledgehammer got brought in at some point—can't even remember when now, just remember seeing it towards the end of the match—but we couldn't be stopped. We came back, full-fledged, itching for revenge. Thirsty for it. Craving it.

Roman Speared him one last time and moved in for the pin.

The Shield had done it without suffering a single casualty. Evolution was destroyed.

And together, WE put our arms out and WE put our fists together because that is OUR thing and anyone who uses it without our permission should be sued.

Seth was trying not to cry. I could tell. He was taking in his breaths all aggressively through his nose like an animal, but his eyes were glistening and his lip was trembling. It was the greatest victory our team had ever had.

The plan was to go out and celebrate if we won, but none of us were up for that after the match. We were too tired, too sweaty, too damaged. Instead it was better to come back to the hotel and just rest up for tomorrow. But we didn't even make it to the lobby before we all just stood there and hugged each other, laughing, celebrating within ourselves and within each other. People were staring but I really couldn't have cared less.

I can't remember the last time I was THIS happy.

Raw tomorrow. Aftermath should be interesting.

I have the weirdest feeling Evolution isn't quite done with us yet.

Bring it.

* * *

June 2, 2014

I'm broken.

* * *

June 3, 2014

I don't get it.

Why?

After everything we've been through?

* * *

June 4, 2014

Son of a bitch. I'll kill him.

* * *

June 5, 2014

I woke up last night sobbing. I must have been having a bad dream. I can't remember what it was now, but I'm pretty sure it involved a chair to the back.

Roman shook me awake and just hugged me until I cried myself back to the world of nightmares.

* * *

June 6, 2014

He didn't even say why he did it. Couldn't be bothered to explain his motives.

I hate him so much.

* * *

June 7, 2014

Come back. Please. I miss you.

* * *

June 8, 2014

So Seth's gone. I think it's for good.

We had to address it at some point. Couldn't ignore it. I knew he was there and I knew he was listening tonight. I spelled out in great detail exactly what I'm going to do to his face. His nose is gonna be by his ear. I said ear because he's only gonna have one left. I'm gonna rip his dirty, stinking hair out by the roots and stuff it in his mouth. There'll be plenty of room where his teeth used to be.

The pain. It was too real. I can't…

I mean I've been thrown through tables. Hit with fists and feet and full bodies. I've been flung over the top ropes and my head hits the floor in my fall. I've had concussion. Broken bones. Blood loss. I've been knocked unconscious. I've been tied up. I've been ganged up on.

But nothing. Nothing. Nothing ever hurt this badly.

Watching Seth just attack Roman out of nowhere…Roman's body slumped over the ropes…and I just stared at Seth like, "No…not you…anyone but you…"

The question was why.

The answer was who freaking knows!?

He pulverized us with the chair. Then handed it off to Orton and let him finish us off. Then Hunter stood over us with Batista's replacement, I guess, Seth Rollins at his side. (Batista got fired earlier in the night but who cares.)

I'm staining the pages with tears. Handwriting might be a little cluttered because I can't stop shaking.

I just need to know. That's it. I need to know.

Why?

Was it me? Roman? Was it both of us?

WHY? SETH, DAMMIT, WHY!?

* * *

June 9, 2014

I don't need him.

* * *

June 10, 2014

I lied. I do.

I miss him so much.

* * *

June 11, 2014

He's not coming back, is he?

* * *

June 12, 2014

Our hotel has a portrait of a giraffe hanging over the bed. I smashed it with my fists until my knuckles were bleeding.

* * *

June 13, 2014

I don't even know why I pulled this thing out.

There's nothing left to say.

* * *

 _ **A/N: Was this one tough to write. I had to watch several Shield matches leading up to Seth's treachery and my heart was just aching for the greatest faction to ever exist in the WWE. I thought about carrying this on a little and depicting the feud that followed between Ambrose and Rollins. What do y'all think? Let me know!**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: After careful consideration, I decided to continue this story onward and depict Dean Ambrose's reaction to his feud with Seth Rollins post-Shield. This is going to hurt but of course I'm going to enjoy it anyway, because I'm Ambrollins and Shield trash. I hope you enjoy it, too. ;)**_

* * *

June 16, 2014

Things are changing.

For one, we don't have a WWE champion right now. D-Bry got asked to step back because of his injury. The Authority came out on Raw tonight talking mad shit about the former champ, then announced a Battle Royal to determine Orton's competitor for the belt at Money in the Bank.

Oh but guess who DIDN'T get the opportunity to compete in the Battle Royal? To quote Trips, "certain superstars who have yet to EVOLVE, certain superstars who didn't comply with the Authority." *giant obvious winking face, elbow nudge*

MEANING: me and Roman. That's right.

I fucking hate Triple H.

Didn't stop me from getting out there. Rollins had a match against Sir Ramen Hair and I jumped into that ring and beat the hell out of him.

I thought it would feel good. I thought it would feel GREAT. He deserves far worse pain than that for what he did to Ro and me. Here's the thing, though, it didn't help at all.

It hurt me so much to hit him. If he hadn't scampered out of that ring like a little bitch, I just might have stopped willingly. I was angry. I was almost crying. I wanted to tear his hair from his scalp as much as I wanted to hug him and tell him I still miss him against everything logical.

Instead I told him it wasn't over. His extremely punchable face was long overdue for a beating. I baited him back to the ring so I could finish what I started while my fury was still pipin' hot.

Part of me wishes he had. Part of me was relieved he didn't.

Suddenly Hunter's also extremely punchable face took up the entire TitanTron and he implored I calm down. I've never hated him more than I did seeing him just above the face of my former brother, my best friend turned bitter rival. It's his fault. It's all Hunter's fault. Hunter stole Seth from me and I was going to give SOMEONE hell to pay for it.

So Trips sic'd Bad News Barrett on me.

Which, fine. Okay. Whatever. I can beat a man half to death and not have to look into the beautiful, sad, angry eyes of Seth Rollins. Fuck, I can't even write his full name anymore without shaking so bad. Rollins it is.

I was good. I was rolling in upcoming victory. I ached from his hits—guy's a good fighter—but I was holding strong.

Until.

Rollins showed up before the end. He stood on the announce table, calling out to me as a distraction.

I wish I was cocky and tenacious enough to admit he couldn't get to me.

But he did. He always had and I'm pretty sure he always will.

I threw Barrett out of the ring and knocked both of them out with a dive through the ropes. My shoulder was screaming at me for ice and meds but this had to be done. One way or another I was going to get Rollins back.

Rollins tried to crawl away. Coward. I trailed him over the barricade. "YOU FEEL THIS!?" I asked him while swinging a punch into his back that could have had way more force behind it. "DO YOU FEEL THIS!?"

I didn't care about the match or the ref counting down. I cared about Rollins. NO, THAT ISN'T THE TRUTH, I CARED ABOUT HURTING HIM. He wasn't fighting back and that's what sucked the most. At least if he hit me in response I could counter it. Wailing on a guy who doesn't want to fight, bur rather run, is just pathetic.

Especially when he put up an arm, as if to say, "Please…don't hurt me."

He's still my weakness.

So I stopped.

I reentered the ring just as Barrett was declared the winner and struck him down like lightning. Dirty Deeds'd him, took my anger out on him instead. A hit worthy of Rollins, cast down upon another.

I'm pathetic. I am such a wreck.

How am I going to do this?

Anyway Roman was able to manipulate his way into the Battle Royal. My boy. Guy ended up winning the whole thing too, which is crazy awesome and I know I should be happier for him. But the night started off a disaster, so I can't make myself be any merrier than I am right now.

I am proud of Roman, though, damn proud. I hope he makes it all the way.

* * *

June 17, 2014

Couldn't sleep last night.

Can't remember the last time I had a full night's rest.

Even when the Shield was together, some nights were hard to catch up on rest.

Now it's every night.

So I did a weird thing. I grabbed this book and went up to the roof of our hotel. Got a nice view of the sunrise going. Pink and orange streaks like the ends of paintbrushes stirring in a dark sky. It's nice.

Sorry I know I'm rambling but I'm so tired. You know the pain of being so exhausted but you can't go to sleep? Hurts. Hurts everywhere, brain, body, heart.

Staying in home sweet home Ohio for Smackdown this week. Feels nice to be back, that's for sure. Roman said he'd take me to lunch later. Guess he's not up for moving on without me like Rollins is. Thank God.

He knows what's going on in my mind.

And that can't be said about just anyone.

What are Roman and I up to now? I don't know. He's got a solid future ahead of him, probably, for that championship belt. I don't really have anything to do. Maybe shoot for Barrett's title or something.

Never been so lost before.

Dammit, Rollins, why does the world make way more sense when you're here?

* * *

June 18, 2014

Main Event was last night and Rollins? Boy oh boy. You're asking to die now. You are ASKING to die. Congratulating Reigns for his victory Monday but saying there will be repercussions from the Authority? You make us both suffer by the day, you think he can't handle your little bosses? To hell with you.

Calling us his "former business associates" was another knife to my back, too. "FORMER BUSINESS ASSOCIATES"!? We were brothers, Seth! WE WERE FAMILY! How dare you, you son of a bitch.

But why does that kind of behavior even surprise me anymore? It shouldn't.

Anyway I'd had enough and I got enough of a charge to get out there and kick his ass until dainty little Kane showed up and tried interfering. But to hell with him, too. (HA. Pun totally intended.) I got out of there unscathed. Now I gotta face Kane on Smackdown.

Glorious.

Roman and I had a good talk last night, too. We went out to both lunch that afternoon and a late dinner after Main Event, and I made the decision to be honest about my feelings. He knows, of course he knows, but if I get it out in the open, maybe it'd help.

It's a process. I'm still feeling rotten but small steps, right?

"Backstabbing elephant in the room?" is how I started the conversation.

"Forget him," Roman answered me. "He's not worth it, Dean. He's not."

Yes. He is. Or he was, and he wasn't supposed to be anymore, but this was Honesty Hour. "I'll kill him. I could."

"You're hurt. I know you are, and I am, too. But we can't linger in the past, Dean. We've got to look forward."

Look forward? To what? His championship run, and my what? My nothing with a side of Rollins loathing? "You're handling this way better than I am."

"I'm really not. Look, I'm just as broken up about it as you are."

I doubted it. That or the guy's in denial which isn't any healthier.

"Then why are you so calm?" I asked him.

"I don't know," he said through a sigh. "I don't know, maybe…" His fingers drummed on the table. We were eating outside, on the restaurant's patio. It was a beautiful day. Table for two. "Maybe I'm just still in shock."

"Well, that, and you've got a good thing going for you. Rollins has his new mommy and daddy, you've got a title match up and coming. I'm happy for you."

"You jealous?"

I almost snorted. "I'm jealous you have a distraction."

"We're gonna make it big in the company, you and I. You hear me? Rollins made the biggest mistake of his life, leaving the best guys in the business. Hunter thinks he's such an artist, a master in the profession. But that's all he's got is his power. Us? We've got power, we've got strength, we've got skill. Everything he once had and traded for a suit and tie. He can't do anything to us anymore."

I felt like smashing a glass again. My fists clenched under the table.

"Anymore," Roman repeated for my sake. "So he stabbed us pretty hard in the side, out of nowhere, turning Rollins against us. But if Rollins wasn't truly with us, if he had the potential to do something like that, then he wasn't good to keep around anyway, was he?"

I couldn't buy it. Rollins kept the Shield together for longer than I could have managed, if me and Roman continued snapping at each other. Seth wasn't just truly with us—he WAS us. He WAS the Shield, on days we didn't have the strength to be.

But I didn't want to argue with Ro. He's only trying to help. I know he feels me. It's gonna hurt like a bitch when that shock corrodes and all that remains is pain.

After all, I'd watched Seth beat Roman down before my eyes. I'd seen it coming in a way Roman couldn't have anticipated. He'd just felt the chair on his back without the chance to brace.

I wonder what hurts worse. Watching it happen like I did, or just feeling it and knowing, oh, this is the life now. Rollins is gone and I have literally nothing left but the other guy laying next to me in agony.

Spoiler alert: both feel pretty shitty.

* * *

June 19, 2014

Slept till noon today. Nightmares kept jerking me awake until at least five or so, when my body finally caved and said, "Look, you're just gonna have to power through these bad dreams, dude, because I've gotta rest up." Now I'm all jumpy.

Smackdown tomorrow. Wonder what else is in store for us.

I hate the word us. Used to mean something else. Something better.

Hope Roman doesn't get the belt and drop me like deadweight.

Dunno who to trust anymore.

* * *

June 20, 2014

Wish I had a job where you can call in sick. I usually love my job more than anything but eh. You already know the story. Not gonna waste my ink repeating myself.

Orton challenged Roman in the ring and Roman beat the hell out of him. Good. I blame Orton too, now that I think about it, for what happened to Rollins. He played a part in it, I know he did. He's the one Rollins handed the chair over to, after beating the shit out of me. Orton annihilated Roman with that thing.

Seth changed his gear. Changed his music. Waiting for him to change his hair now. Get rid of the blond, you look like a tool. He came out against Kofi Kingston and won. Poor Kofi. I totally had you picked as my winner, man. Rollins grabbed a mic and tried to brag to the world about what a special snowflake he was but I interrupted him. Got myself access on the TitanTron and guaranteed I was gonna get even with him. When? Dunno. I sure as hell don't. I gotta get a game plan going.

He called me by my name which nearly weakened me until he threatened to kick my teeth out. Ah, that's the Seth I know now. Coward. Angry little small child. I told him to stop it. Told him I'm sending him and his little buddy back where they both belong: hell.

Figures Rollins was on commentary for my match against Kane. That was the hardest part: focusing on Kane when my heart and soul went out to defeating another opponent, one who was dressed in a crisp suit and not even in the match. I hate him. I hate him so much.

Congratulations, Rollins, whatever tactic you plotted sitting ringside sure worked because I couldn't stand looking at his face anymore. I needed him to bleed. I attacked him after getting Kane out of the ring. " _AMBROSE COULDN'T CONTAIN HIS EMOTIONS_!" I remember Cole declaring. What a pitiful truth it was. Kane grabbed me and managed to finish me off. Stupid, really. Can't just blame the two of them. I blame myself.

I've got to get a handle on my feelings. I need to learn how to fight him and win, not fight him and back down. Not fighting him certainly ain't an option anymore. Not after what he's started. Not after what I WILL finish. To quote Ro, believe that.

Because Rollins hauled his ass into the ring after Kane and Curbstomped me to the mat. Waves of "YOU SOLD OUT! YOU SOLD OUT!" drowned us. I could feel him standing above me, hearing him snarl over the chants. The same snarl I'd hear past his lips when someone like Orton was hurting me. When he was angry for me, not at me. When he cared about me.

Why so angry, Rollins? You did this, not me.

He left me there, alone, hurting. Again. Better get used to that crap.

Anyway the night ended with John Cena, Sheamus and Roman versus Orton, Alberto Del Rio, Cesaro and Bray Wyatt. It was a long match I had to enjoy backstage, from a monitor, while a medical examiner checked out my shoulder and ribs. My boy Roman won for his team by Spearing ADR.

Nine days till MITB.

I have a feeling that belt belongs to him.

* * *

June 21, 2014

Watched the sunrise again this morning. Couldn't sleep, again. Might invest in NyQuil or something for a while until I can get back to a decent schedule. In this company, yeah, that's a laugh, but I won't be able to walk in a straight line let alone fight anyone, let alone win, if I don't heal myself physically.

I remember this one time, me and Roman and Seth were driving to Colorado for Raw. We took a lot of road trips back then, driving everywhere instead of flying, because I totally understood Seth's aversion to airports. We'd been driving for a couple hours and the sun was about to come up. Seth turned to me, driving with eyes half open, and said, "Can we pull over?"

We were in Kansas. Middle of nowhere on an endless highway. Why did he wanna pull over?

"For what?" I asked.

"You look ready to pass out. I don't want you to crash and get us all killed."

"I'm going out in a fiery explosion, remember? No stupid little car wreck is gonna take this guy out. Michael Bay's gonna direct my death."

Through a smile he said, "Just trust me, Dean."

So I pulled over. Roman was snoozing in the backseat. The angle of the car towards the highway got us a full look of the distant horizon. The sky was blood-red, bursting spurts of orange the higher the sun elevated. It was too bright to look at for too long. I closed my eyes, falling asleep for a little bit when I heard Seth sigh and it woke me up.

I opened my eyes and looked his way. He had a composition book open in his lap, twirling a Bic pen around his thumb.

"You alright?" I asked, wondering about the book.

"Just thinking."

"About?"

"You know what I've wanted my whole life, Dean?"

"That's an easy one. To be the WWE champion." He'd had the dream as a kid and he was closer than ever at that point. I was proud of him. Was.

"And I keep reminding myself, day by day, that everything I've done in my life up until this point—whether it was a smart decision or something really, really stupid—everything I've done has brought me here. To you guys, to the company. Life shaped a path and I walked right down to my destiny."

I'd never heard him talk like this before. I figured he'd been listening to that emo music again recently. But he was sounding a bit more cheery than those screaming monkeys. "So you believe everything happens for a reason."

"Absolutely, I do. Whether you know the reason or not, whether you love what's happening in your life or you're raising your head to the sky and wondering, what the hell? It's all for a purpose. It's all to whittle you into the man you're meant to be."

Yep. He'd been listening to it, alright. I wondered what song he was quoting. Sounded profound.

"If there's anything you remember me teaching you, Ambrose, when we're old and senile and bitching about how modern wrestling is terrible compared to the good old days, remember this: don't live with regrets. Not a single one."

"No regrets," I repeated.

"None. It's a waste of your time crying over things you can't help. If you can't make a difference, forget about it. No regrets. Do what you gotta do. Everything happens for a reason."

I wasn't sure if I believed him word for word, but I remember loving how confident he was in himself.

He scribbled something in the composition book.

"What is that?" I asked.

"My journal."

The answer actually surprised me. "You keep a journal?"

"Yeah. I write songs in it, just my thoughts sometimes. Good way to keep my head clear of unnecessary crap that clogs my focus."

"Are they nu metal songs?" I teased him.

"Ha. Maybe. If I ever get around to singing them."

"Please don't. Spare my ears."

Seth laughed heartily. "You know, you should try it sometime."

"What? Writing songs or keeping a diary?"

"It's not a diary, first of all, it's a journal. Sounds tougher. Second of all, yes, you should invest in keeping one. Feels good to just get everything in your head out there without hurting anyone, y'know? Nobody will judge you for it."

Roman might have, for the act of keeping a journal alone. Maybe that was why Seth reserved confessing the fact for me, just me, while Roman was out of it.

"I'll look into it sometime," I told him.

Eventually listening to him.

You're right, Rollins, it does feel good to get it all out there. Unfortunately that isn't enough. I'd rather write how I feel and then hit you so hard your nose breaks off into your brain.

And you're also right, Rollins, when you say it's better for a man to live with no regrets. I won't regret anything I do to you from this day on. After all, things happen for a reason, right?

Maybe it still hurts me so much knowing the right thing to do is make you pay for what you did.

But I'm learning I'm capable.

Gets easier by the day.

* * *

June 22, 2014

Roman's starting to lose it.

We still share a hotel room, if that wasn't made clear, mostly for my sake, but I like to believe I'm helping him out with my company too. But he came out of the shower earlier and I noticed his eyes were red.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Looked like he'd been crying.

"Shampoo got in my eye."

Lie. The eyes didn't look enflamed, just red. Little puffy, just a little. "Ro—"

"Hey, don't worry about me. Let's get packed, okay? Airport time."

He was deflecting which isn't his usual way of dealing with stuff. He usually tackles it head-on without thinking it through. Rollins was the one to calm him down into a more sensible mindset. Now that he's gone, we both have to start over in more ways than one.

"If you're upset, you can tell me, brother. I've cried on your shoulder too many times now—"

"Dean. I'm fine. Drop it."

I wanted to help but I was already pressing a wedge between us enough as it was. I let it go. We got dressed and left without talking about it.

I should tell him to invest in a journal.

Seth Rollins might be a sniveling, backstabbing, arrogant, feeble little bitch, but he did help shape me into a better man and a better wrestler. I used to feel I owed him for it. And now…

Yeah. I supposed I do owe him a little payback.


End file.
